A 23-year fire service veteran, current captain, and company officer, Kory’s service gives him a rare perspective on what drives firefighters to succeed and what erodes them over time. He’s also the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of CRACKYL Magazine, a groundbreaking platform that connects science, culture, and lived experience in a way the fire service has never seen before.
Brandon is a retired firefighter and the founder of Fire to Light, an organization dedicated to advancing preventative Mental Fitness training inside the fire service. Integrating his lived experience and independent global research, Brandon’s practical, operationalized approach to training Mental Fitness intentionally mirrors how fire departments train on every other critical skill.
In this excerpt, two firefighters talk about the calls that actually matter… not the ones on the job, but the ones about how to live. Listen to the full conversation on The Gifts of Trauma Podcast.
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KORY: For me, it’s like the frog in the boiling pot of water. The terminology I use now is that we’re overbuilt. We’re overbuilt in certain areas, and we reward submersion, not integration. We want firefighters to be present, give everything, and do all these things, but we don’t really think about the cost. And that cost… it happens in the shadows, over time, and we don’t notice it.
It wasn’t the job that undermined Kory Pearn, a 23-year fire service veteran, captain, and founder of CRACKYL Magazine. It was the life he built around the job.
KORY: I built a life I felt I couldn’t stop. I was running sales for five publications, travelling, meeting deadlines every week… and I was really good at it. But I was torn between parenting, the sales job, and being the firefighter I felt I could be. My health was deteriorating. I know now what it is to have your nervous system out of sync. It was in fight mode, on steroids, with no downtime. If I were sitting, I felt guilty. I felt like I could be doing more.
I had atrial fibrillation, a heart rhythm issue. I’d have spells where I’d go grey, then flush—to the point that I couldn’t carry on. Then my heart restored itself enough for me to keep going. I hid it from everybody, including the job, as I felt it was a weakness. I was in denial, lying to myself, creating a fantasy world where I was healthy and able.
It got to the point where my lungs were taking on water. I went to a walk-in clinic thinking I could get a diuretic and carry on. Within five minutes of walking in, they wanted to call an ambulance. They tried to get my blood pressure; they tried to get my pulse. I pleaded with them to let me go. I said I would go to the hospital. “Do not call an ambulance!” That was the worst thing you could do to me at that point. And I’m not thinking clearly. I’m not getting enough blood flow to my head to have that cognition; I needed help. And so I was rationalizing, “We’re good.” I would say, “You can’t con a con man.” We know how to manipulate when we need to manipulate. (I’m also a middle child, so there’s that too.) I ended up pleading with them, and they let me go. I spent the night on the couch because I couldn’t lie down. I did that for three nights. On the last night, I woke up and I gave up. My old self going into that hospital and my new self coming out—two very different people.
This reckoning didn’t end the life he’d built. But it did change what he did with it.
KORY: I didn’t surface and think, “Okay, I need to shut down all this extracurricular stuff.”
That was never part of my internal dialogue. Mine was, “How do I keep doing what I love and not be handcuffed by this?” I needed to reframe things. I needed to understand what I was giving away. So I defaulted to what made sense. I built a publication because I knew I could do the work to get it put together. I’m busier now than I was, and I’m getting more work done than I ever did. That’s because I start my day and end my day with room left over for my people.
Brandon Evans, founder of Fire to Light, built his own career infrastructure around a similar reckoning. Together, they explored what actually protects people from getting to where Kory nearly ended up, long before a crisis happens.
KORY: The best way to do a self-check on our crews and our peers is to farm out health and wellness. Brandon could be washing a truck, and I notice that he’s off. I don’t have to be the peer support; I just have to notice. And we can’t wait for something catastrophic to happen to start a relationship with someone. It has to be part of our everyday interactions.
Just because I’m a captain and I have a red hat doesn’t mean people have to trust me. It’s a two-way street. As a captain, I actually have to try harder to earn their trust; it isn’t just given. When you put that red hat on, it can be a bit of a barrier. So it’s up to me to recognize that I have to try a little harder, to go and quickly check in with them: “Hey, what’s going on today?” It doesn’t have to be, “Are you okay?” I’m just seeing what your posture is. I’m just seeing how you’re opening the fridge. We’re all very quick to pick these things up.
Many firefighters plan to retire when they reach the mandatory retirement age. But Brandon left after thirteen years, not thirty, and Kory nearly lost his option to retire altogether.
BRANDON: What mattered more for me than what things are going to look like after I retire is, what does my life look like now? I’m 42 years old, not 60. I left the fire service a little earlier than many, but I feel in so many ways like I’m still in it. I’m just not riding a big red, shiny truck anymore. I’m sitting in a different seat.
KORY: I almost lost my life almost nine years ago. So I have a different lens now. We do this thing in vehicle extrication; we crib as we go. We lift and we crib. I’m trying to do that now with my life. I’m trying to do so much, and then I crib that. If tomorrow’s my last day, is everything I’ve done to this point what I wanted? I get to do this now, the same as the first day I walked in. I don’t ‘have to be’ a firefighter. I ‘get to be’ a firefighter.
BRANDON: We’re not heroes. We’re just people. We feel things the same way everyone else feels things, because we’re human. Gratitude and love and compassion go an awful long way.
The Gifts of Trauma is a weekly podcast that features personal stories of trauma, transformation, healing, and the gifts revealed on the path to authenticity. Listen to the full conversation, and if it resonates, please subscribe, rate, review, and share.
Editor’s Note: This post comprises edited excerpts from The Gifts of Trauma podcast transcript. Selected passages have been carefully woven together to create a cohesive narrative that speaks in the guests’ voices and faithfully represents their perspective. – Rosemary Davies-Janes
