John works with high performers who have insight, language, self-awareness, and bodies that keep telling a different story. He came to this work after examining tissue under a microscope and more than two decades in investment banking and financial market infrastructure, including nine years as a CEO. Both worlds taught him the same lesson from opposite ends: the body holds what the mind cannot say.
In this excerpt, a top executive’s carefully maintained “firewall” begins to open, and the body sends an invoice that the mind is not willing to pay. Listen to the full episode of The Gifts of Trauma Podcast.
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ROSEMARY: I grew up with an executive dad. The only time he came alive was when he was sharing something that happened at work that day over the dinner table. Otherwise, when he was physically present, he was not there at all. Does this happen in your clients’ families as well?
JOHN: Yes. When we think of trauma in the mainstream, PTSD, chronic anxiety, and burnout can come to mind. It’s not different with executives. They just have better masking; they’re more defended until something happens, and that doesn’t work anymore. That’s how I was: “There is no part; it’s just me. There’s no survival mechanism. Look at how I’ve navigated the world. Look at how successful I am. I’m not surviving; I’m thriving.”
And then, I’m in the car heading home, or with the wife and family, and I’m anything but present and connected… thinking about the presentation tomorrow that needs to go perfectly. I’m as disconnected as anybody could be.
But at the end of the day, behind these performance masks, there’s a human working with the same hardware we all use, layered with their own individual learned experiences and survival mechanisms. This doesn’t mean they’re not really struggling with a lot of internal anxiety. Their overworking parts that have never had a holiday are often in constant overdrive. These mechanisms have pushed them to a lot of success. So we start by acknowledging them and sending them gratitude, then negotiating what it would take to work 1% less.
I worked with a newly promoted global finance director… somebody who came into coaching because her boss said, “You need to go into coaching because we’re a bit concerned you’re going to kill yourself trying to deliver on everything.”
I asked, “Your drive to move forward and deliver on all of these objectives—what concern would that part of you have if that drive slowed down a little?” Without a pause they said, “That I’d be a failure.” When a core belief appears, we’re automatically in therapy territory. But doing a better job is not working harder. Doing a better job is having that internal trust in the moment to delegate to other resources.
One element that comes up often is the intention of a particular survival mechanism or trigger. What’s happening now has nothing to do with the present. It’s happening because of what happened when they were three, four, or six years old. That mechanism is still playing out in the current moment—in the boardroom, in conversation with the team, their peers, and their clients.
ROSEMARY: Does it surprise your clients that when they shift, other people around them shift too?
JOHN: It’s a double-edged sword… in some cases the new John is not fully accepted in a more authentic role. Sometimes there is real pushback. “But you’ve always done everything. You were always the people pleaser; you were always the entertainer. What happened? You’ve stopped. You’re focusing on your own needs. That’s not okay. We didn’t teach you to focus on your own needs. We taught you to be there for us. How dare you decide you have your own life?”
But if that happens, maybe it’s for the best. In a relationship, it can be a real opportunity for the partner to begin waking up and to use that as an opportunity to grow too. “Maybe we can grow together.”
ROSEMARY: It must be so rewarding to introduce people to their inner worlds. Was this particularly striking with any one client?
JOHN: It’s not uncommon, when working with high-powered executives, that when I ask, “What’s coming up?” They’ll say, “What do you mean, what’s coming up?”
JOHN: “What are you noticing inside?”
CLIENT: “Nothing.”
JOHN: “Is there an emotion?”
CLIENT: “Wait a second. I don’t feel feelings; I think feelings. So as soon as you ask me that question, my mind is in overdrive, thinking.”
JOHN: This is not uncommon and requires a lot of patience, persistence, and a lot of safety. But shifts can be really striking. And I’m not talking about big shifts, but something quite small. Simply a client who’s not felt or noticed what’s happening inside in 30 years, because they’re so disconnected—but not disconnected in a bad way. Clients quite regularly tell me what’s happening.
CLIENT: “I have this firewall.”
JOHN: “What does the firewall do?”
CLIENT: “The firewall is monitoring packets going in and out.”
JOHN: We can get really curious about that. “Is the firewall on now?”
CLIENT: “Yeah.”
JOHN: “Can we turn it off?”
CLIENT: “No, we can’t turn it off. But we can dial the intensity up or down a little bit.”
JOHN: “Tell me more.”
CLIENT: “The firewall works externally as well, not just internally. It’s filtering everything coming out of my mouth. Whenever I’m speaking to someone, there’s a vigilance, a monitoring, to make sure that there’s copywriting happening before the words actually leave my mouth.”
JOHN: “That sounds exhausting. So when we look under the hood, what mechanisms are at play? How are they serving you? What’s their function? What’s the impact of having a firewall that’s always on? What would it be like if we could turn the firewall off on weekends?”
This does slowly facilitate a shift in how one is being. The next step is to entice the client. “Okay, the next time you’re speaking to your boss or your partner, just pause and bring some perception to what’s happening inside. Notice, ah, okay, my firewall is at 80%, that’s interesting.” The next step may be thanking the firewall for doing such a great job of always being vigilant and diligent.
ROSEMARY: Does something typically happen that shifts your clients’ focus to the inner landscape?
JOHN: What tips people over? In my work it’s one of three things. Either the body is sending an invoice—which can be back pain, tachycardia, syncope, something autoimmune, or something at home. Maybe there’s a lack of presence, chronic disengagement… or something breaks down. After 10 or 15 years, we can be overly identified with our profession, and then that comes crumbling down. In my case, it was probably a mixture of a few of those. At the peak, when everything on the outside was working really well, things at home weren’t, and I went through quite a difficult transition to rediscover myself.
The mind, the cognitive way of working, and the body are really two sides of the same story. At any point in time there will be the narrative, the story, and we can get really caught up with that. We can maybe forget there was another story. But the body rarely forgets—that really has to take priority in any conversation.
The Gifts of Trauma is a weekly podcast that features personal stories of trauma, transformation, healing, and the gifts revealed on the path to authenticity. Listen to the full conversation, and if it resonates, please subscribe, rate, review, and share.
Editor’s Note: This post comprises edited excerpts from The Gifts of Trauma podcast transcript. Selected passages have been carefully woven together to create a cohesive narrative that speaks in the guest’s voice and faithfully represents their perspective. – Rosemary Davies-Janes
