Dagmara is the founder of Metamorfosis Therapy, a space dedicated to profound inner transformation and changing the paradigm through which we relate to ourselves, others, and reality. She’s also a Certified Compassionate Inquiry® Practitioner, Educator, and Mentor, with an MA in Pedagogy, trained in Internal Family Systems, Non-Dual Therapy, Somatic Meditation, Psychodrama, Therapeutic Theatre, Conscious Sexuality and Relating, and Contact Beyond Contact.
In this excerpt, her burden of toxic shame shaped “a life that didn’t work,” until a satsang teacher led her to her inner child and her trauma. Hear the full conversation on The Gifts of Trauma Podcast.
Letícia Alvares
KEVIN: You said a lot of this journey was about healing yourself. What were you healing?
DAGMARA: I was trying to make my life work. I was happy when I was using alcohol and drugs, but there were other parts of my life that I didn’t know what to do with. That’s how the story started. I searched different modalities, different practitioners, different approaches, and different countries. I called myself a modern gypsy because I’d been travelling for 20 years… I didn’t have a home.
When I finished studying in Poland, there was no job, so I decided to move to the United States. Being there illegally, I couldn’t use my diploma to get a job, so I had many odd jobs: working in a hotel, bartending, and also working in the movie industry. But I still felt, no, this is not me. I need to have a good job because I have this master’s degree. I was really unhappy. I remember a lot of shame, because I was this vibrant person in Poland, and other people had careers at this age, but I didn’t. I studied NLP, Joe Dispenza, manifestations, all this stuff. But it didn’t change a bit. So I still thought, my life just doesn’t work.
KEVIN: What does it mean for someone to believe that their life doesn’t work?
DAGMARA: I was trying to succeed in a social way and have a really good, fulfilling job. Buy the house and the car, have the right partner, and have the kids and all the stuff. That was not happening for me, and I was really upset about it for a long time. I didn’t know that the main reason was that I didn’t know who I was or that there was a lot of shame, toxic shame. So I’d change the city, the job, and eventually the country. I lived in six different countries, and then I had to come back to Poland because my mom got sick. And through coming home I understood something more about my life. Not only doesn’t it work on the outside, but there was a lot of pain and difficult emotions inside as well.
KEVIN: Talk to me about toxic shame. It seems to be very prevalent and important for you.
DAGMARA: For me, the toxicity is because we are often unaware of it and also because it’s completely false and untrue, like a poison that weaves into our daily life. I had a lot of shame that I wasn’t aware of, because it was very subtle. For example, I would apply for a job, and they wouldn’t take me. Oh, okay, this is who I am. I’m not going to get this job because I don’t have this and that… These beliefs weren’t obvious to me until I read Happiness is a Choice, which talked about beliefs. For the first time in my life I learned that beliefs are not real.
KEVIN: How is a young woman of 20 already carrying a burden of toxic shame?
DAGMARA: I was born in communist Poland, where raising children involved a lot of rules and not much compassion. Nobody asked how you felt. There was a lot of verbal, emotional, and physical violence. Kids were beaten, and spanking was normal. But what was really lacking in my childhood was an emotional connection with my parents. My needs weren’t important. My parents worked a lot, and as a small child I had to take care of myself. I couldn’t come to my parents and say, “This was difficult…” because they would blame me. So as a child I learned that I cannot express my inner world to my parents. I had to disconnect from my emotions because there were so many. I think that shame was coming from my needs not being important and from this emotional neglect. When I was a teenager, I started abusing alcohol. Later, in therapy, I understood that I grew up in an environment that was emotionally cruel.
KEVIN: Dagmara, you talked about a turning point. What happened?
DAGMARA: The big change happened when my mom was unwell and I had to come back to Poland, after 20 years away. I went to a non-duality satsang and asked some questions, and the teacher directed me to my inner child, towards my trauma. I had thought that outside circumstances were why I couldn’t make my life work… That I was a victim of life… But the moment the lens turned internal, that’s when the healing started. And then I came across Compassionate Inquiry®, which was like a gem, a golden key to my life.
KEVIN: Talk to me about your idea of healing and wellness and support.
DAGMARA: I understand there are a few ways that healing can really work. One is trauma healing: sitting with our body sensations, being guided by an embodied and compassionate person, and then developing compassion for what happened in our childhood. It was crucial for me to understand how personality works, to really break it apart, and to understand that my beliefs about me were not true, that it’s a conditioned reality. All of that has to be done along with trauma healing, because if we only understand intellectually, it’s not going to work. When we stop projecting and blaming and looking for villains and actually own our experiences, that’s freedom.
So I offer inner transformation to change the reference point from what the external world says about our worth and value to understanding that our value is innate.
If for some reason your life doesn’t work, if you have problems in relationships, with yourself, or dissatisfaction with life, or if you’re lost, or if there is a lot of perfectionism or workaholism or addictions or difficulties in relating with people, these are also indicators that there is something working in the background that needs healing. Sometimes we don’t know that. And I didn’t.
The Gifts of Trauma is a weekly podcast that features personal stories of trauma, transformation, healing, and the gifts revealed on the path to authenticity. Listen to the full conversation, and if it resonates, please subscribe, rate, review, and share.
Editor’s Note: This post comprises edited excerpts from The Gifts of Trauma podcast transcript. Selected passages have been carefully woven together to create a cohesive narrative that speaks in the guest’s voice and faithfully represents their perspective. – Rosemary Davies-Janes
